Cannabis
Jokes / Funny Stuff!
While cannabis does have different effects on people, the general effect for most people is it makes them calm, cool, and relaxed. It gives a lot of people the "giggles". Below are some jokes and funny stuff related to marijuana. WARNING! Some (acutally most) jokes may not be suitable for children.
If you have a good joke related to cannabis, click here to send it to me and I will add it so others can enjoy it.
Now sit back and enjoy!
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Q: How do you know when you are stoned?
A: When you are too phoned to stone home.?
Q: How do you know you are a true stoner?
A: When your bong gets washed more than your dishes!
Q: What do you call a pothead with two spliffs?
A: Double jointed.
Q: Who makes more money, a Drug Dealer or a Hooker?
A: A Hooker, because she can just wash her crack and use it again.
Q: How many potheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Screw it, we got lighters.
Q: How long does it take before a pound of bud goes bad?
A: I don't know. I've never had it longer than an hour.
Q: How do you hide pot from a hippie?
A: Put it in his work boots.
Q: What is the difference between politicians and stoners?
A: Politicians don't inhale...they just suck.
Q: What do you call a stoner that just broke up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
Q: If there are two potheads in the back of a car, then who is driving?
A: The cop.
Q: Why did the stoner cross the street?
A: His dealer lived on the other side.
Q: How do you hide money from a hippie?
A: Put it under the soap.
Q: How did the pothead burn his ear?
A: He answered the phone while ironing his clothes.
Q: How do you get a one-armed hippie out of a tree?
A: Hold out a joint.
Q: What do you call one bowl between three tokers ?
A: Malnutrition.
Q: Why is the roach clip called a roach clip?
A: Because pot holder was taken
Q: Did you hear about the kid that overdosed on weed?
A: Neither did I.
Q: What do you call a family that grows Marijuana in their backyard?
A: A Joint Family.
Q: What do you call a stoners wife?
A: Mississippi
Q: What does marijuana and the Carolina Panthers have in common?
A: They both get smoked in bowls.
Q: What is a stoners idea of a balanced diet?
A: A joint in each hand!
Q: What do you call Harrison Ford when he smokes weed?
A: Han So-high
Q: What do you get when you eat marijuana?
A: A pot belly.
Q: What do you call a pothead who doesn't inhale?
A: Mr. President.
Q: How do fish party?
A: Seaweed.
Q: Why is the roach clip called a roach clip?
A: Because pot holder was taken?.
Q: How do you get a one-armed stoner out of a tree?
A: Wave.
Q: Why did the pothead plant Cheerios?
A: He thought they were donut seeds.
Q: What do you call a person who remembers what they did at Woodstock?
A: A liar.
Q: What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign?
A: The drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green!
Q: What do you call a stoner when horny?
A: A weed wacker!
Q: What do you call a bunch of mexican stoners?
A: Baked Beans.
Q: What do you call one bowl between three tokers?
A: Malnutrition.
Q: What do you call it when a roach ash burns your shirt?
A: A pot hole.
Q: How do you know you are a true stoner?
A: When your bong gets washed more than your dishes.
Q: What is reality?
A: An illusion caused by a lack of good weed.
Q: What is the difference between a drunk guy and a stoner at a stop sign?
A: The drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green.
Q: Why don't you see any pot heads in elementary school?
A: Because they're all in HIGH school
Q: What do you call a pot smoker with two spliffs?
A: Double jointed.
Q: What do you call an apple pie getting high in Mcdonalds?
A: A baked apple pie.
Q: What did the stoners girlfriend say?
A: If I can't marry a dude, i'll Mary Jane
Q: What do you call money that grows on trees?
A: Marijuana
Q: How do you know when you have smoked enough pot?
A: When you start looking around for the directions on how to use the lighter.
Q: How do you know you're a pothead?
A: You studied five days for a urine test.
Q: What do get when you soak a spliff in Vodka?
A: The Holy Spirit!
Q: What do you call a potato that smokes weed?
A: A baked potato.
Q: How do you get a one-armed stoner out of a tree?
A: Wave.
Q: What did the frog say after lighting up?
A: Don't Worry be Hoppy?
Q: What do you get when you eat marijuana ?
A: A pot belly
Q: What do you call a stoner spilling his weed on the floor?
A: Drug Abuse.
Q: How do you know when you have smoked enough pot ?
A: When you start looking around for the directions on how to use the lighter.
Q: How do you know your a pothead?
A: You studied five days for a urine test?
Q: What do you call a pothead that doesn't inhale?
A: Mr. President.
Q: What do you do if you see a space man while getting high?
A: Park in it dude
Q: What's the point of a weed wacker?
A: Weed wackers need to wack it too!
Q: What does a mermaid smoke?
A: Seaweed. I got high last night with Ted Mosby. And now I can't remember "How I Met Your Mother"
Q: Why did the pot head plant cheerios?
A: He thought they were donut seeds.
Q: What do you call a person who remembers what they did at woodstock ?
A: A Liar.
Q: What do you call it when a roach ash burns your shirt?
A: A pot hole!
Q: What is Reality?
A: An illusion caused by a lack of good weed.
Q: How many potheads does it take to change a lightbulb.
A: Screw it, we got lighters
Q: How long does it take before a pound of weed goes bad?
A: I don't know! I've never had it longer than an hour!
Q: How do you hide pot from a hippie?
A: Put it in his work boots.
Q: What do you called a doped-up Pikachu?
A: Tokemon!
Q: What do you call a disney cartoon where the kids chill and do nothing?
A: Phineas and Herb.
Q: What is the difference between politicians and stoners ?
A: Politicians don't inhale...they just suck.
Q: What do you call a stoner that just broke up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
Q: Did you hear about the time Mark Paul Gosselaar got high and had the munchies?
A: He was Saved by the Taco Bell.
Q: If there are two potheads in the back of a car, then who is driving?
A: The cop!
Q: Why did the stoner cross the street?
A: His dealer lived on the other side.
Q: What do a bad football team and a pothead have in common?
A: They both get blitzed!
Q: What type of pizza does a potheads eat?
A: STONEBAKED!
Q: How do you hide money from a hippie?
A: Put it under the soap.
Q: What do a quarterback and a pothead have in common?
A: They both get blitzed
Q: What did the stoner at the party say before the cops came?
A: Let's blow this joint.
Q: Did you hear about the midget that got baked?
A: He could finally hold his head up high.
Q: How many Stoners does it take to change a light bulb
A: Who cares man, its to bright in here anyway!
Q: What do you call an event when two cities that legalized marijuana get together.
A: The Super Bowl
Q: What do you get when you eat too much hash brownies?
A: A pot belly
Q: Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?
A: He was too far out, man!
Q: What do you call a TV show about physicists smoking weed?
A: The Big Bong Theory.
Q: What is a stoner's favorite dream?
A: Getting so high he can eat a star.
Q: How do sharks get high?
A: reefer
Q: How did the pothead burn his ear?
A: He answered the phone while ironing his clothes
Q: What do you call a stoner flying through the hallways in college?
A: Enjointment.
Q: What cartoon does Mary Jane watch?
A: The Power Puff Puff Pass Girls
Q: What do you call the dude that brings shrooms to a party?
A: A fungi
Q: Did you hear about the stoners who were planning to rob the medical marijuana shop?
A: First they had to case the joint.
Q: What do you call a cartoon about smoking trees?
A: George of the Junkies.
Q: What is the difference between a Protestant woman and a Muslim woman?
A: Protestant woman gets stoned before they commit adultery.
Q: What is 421 also known as?
A: National drug test day.
Q: Did you hear about the guitar that got baked?
A: It was highly strung. Q. How do you get an one-armed hippie out of a tree?
A: Hold out a joint!
Q: What do you call someone who smokes the Forest of Feelings?
A: I Don't Care Bears.
Q: What do stoners put on their spaghetti?
A: Legalized Marinara.
Q: Why don't stoner get into arguements?
A: Because they take the high road.
Q: How do stoners go hunting?
A: With high powered rifles.
Q: What do you call a fly on marijuana?
A: A High Flyer.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
A very stoned woman went to the doctor and she touched her knee and said "It hurts when I touch myself here", then she touched her elbow and said "and it hurts when I touch myself here", then she touched her arm and said "and it hurts when I touch myself here", and she touched her head and said "and it hurts when I touch myself here too."
The doctor, smelling the strong aroma of marijuana, smiled and replied -
"You have a broken finger."
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage.
A stoner called the fire department and said, "Come quick my house is on fire!" The Fireman asked "How do we get there?" The stoner says "DUH, in a big red truck!"
There were three guys... a sex addict, a weed addict and a alcoholic. They all went to hell for their sin and were standing in front of the devil.
The devil made a deal with them saying "I will lock you in a room with what ever you did for a 1000 years and if you get over any of your sins I will send you back to the land of the living earth.". So the sex addict got locked in a room full of virgins, the alcoholic got locked in a room full of beer, and the weed addict got locked in a room full of weed.
1000 years later the Devil goes to the sex addict and he comes out saying "Aww my dick hurts I'm never having sex again", poof back to earth. The Devil opens the alcoholic's room and he says "Im never having beer again!", and poof, gets sent back to Earth.
Then the Devil opens the weed addicts room and the Weed addict punches the Devil in the face and says "You forgot my lighter bitch!"
There are three moms. A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde. They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed" They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her. Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just can't believe she has a penis"
A little lizard was walking through the forest to see his pal the monkey. The monkey called out "Hey little buddy come up here I got some great pot!". So the little lizard climbed up the tree. The little lizard and the monkey smoked a great big joint. The little lizard said, "Hey this stuff is great but I have horrible cottonmouth". "Well there is a river just down there." replied the monkey.
So the little lizard walked down the tree through the brush and started to drink the water. All of a sudden a crocodile came out of the water. "Hey little buddy waz up?" said the croc, "I just got stoned with my pal the monkey." replied the little lizard. "Really" said the croc, "where is he, I want some." "He is through the brush and up the tree."
So the croc walked through the brush and to the tree. The monkey looked down and said "Holy shit how much did you drink little buddy?"
Three kids were smoking behind the shed. "My dad can blow smoke through his nose!" boasted the first. "Ha, mine can blow smoke through this ears!" countered the second boy. "That’s nothing," piped up the third. "My dad can blow smoke through his arse. I know,‘cos I’ve seen the nicotine stains on his undies."